Tuesday, 31 January 2012

jan 31, 2012

wow, it's the last day of january already! you know what that means? one out of twelve months mended! :)

tonight, i was working on mending another piece of our set - this fabulous aqua step stool, circa 1950. a little contact cement + clothespins = diy mending of vinyl without needing to re-stitch it. we're well into the first phase of mending now, but we needed to let the first part dry before finishing it off. phase two tomorrow!

Monday, 30 January 2012

jan 30, 2012

 tonight, i spent a couple of hours reinforcing the fraying 9x6 foot patch of astroturf that's one of the main set pieces for my one woman show, falling open.

my show is playing its second run soon, and a bunch of the props need to be spruced up before we open. each night this week, my director and i have set a task that needs to be done in preparation for the show.

it was nice to be down on the floor with her tonight working on this huge swath of fabric. it felt sort of like quilting. in fact, for most of the time that i was working on it, the astroturf was laying over me like a blanket. it's amazing how cozy and reassuring these tasks are. practical, too.

what is this feeling that arises when i pick up a needle and thread and work on mending something? it's a mix of pride and comfort and satisfaction and self-sufficiency and relief.

i really like it...it's a ritual that's bringing a lot to my life.

Sunday, 29 January 2012

jan 29, 2012

i found a poem tonight called "my tribe through darkness comes shining" and thought it was a good meditation on remaking and mending. here's an excerpt. enjoy!

 "my people see in every scrap
a glimmer of the miracle
of creation to be brought forth through their hands.

bring it on then, i say, let it all fall down
into our laps, into our receiving hands
into our welcoming hearts.

 we'll make a new world out of anything
you give us."

- carol bridges, 2004

Saturday, 28 January 2012

jan 28, 2012

tonight marks vocabulary post #2!

if you're just now jumping into this blog, below is a little snippet from vocab post #1, to give you some context... (originally posted here on january 5th)

recently, i've been sifting through my vocabulary. similar to a pair of jeans that develops holes from consistent wear, there are words that wear on us, culturally speaking, and they need to either be mended or thrown out.

today, i'm mending my relationship to the verbal tic, "you know?". this phrase fragment tends to be tacked onto the ends of sentences to solicit feedback that reassures the speaker rather than furthering discussion on the topic at hand. it's a pretty dysfunctional way of conversing, and i, for one, want to stop doing it.

the way i see it, adding "you know?" onto the end of your thoughts is a way of externally establishing validity of thought, opinion, feeling - and, at the extreme end of the spectrum, validity of self. it's about more than checking in with the person you're talking to; more than simply asking if you're being understood and followed and listened to. as far as i'm concerned, this habit is about asking, "is it okay that i feel that way or think that?" or "am i crazy?" it's an outward expression of self-conciousness that, for me, tends to creep into social scenarios where i'm trying especially hard to connect with people. it also comes out when i'm feeling shy. in these moments, i may be acting outwardly gregarious, but using "you know?" is a sign that i'm having doubts about word choice, for example, or the appropriateness of the story i'm telling.

will you join me, dear & lovely readers, in adjusting how this phrase is used in your life? for me, it's an old habit (if a part-time one), so this is going to take more doing than just removing the diminishing form of "just" from my vocabulary like in my last vocab post.

of course, there are LOTS of appropriate contexts for asking if someone knows something - for example, when you're asking for directions, or whether two friends at a party know each other. but, in those cases, you'll notice the words "you know" appear as part of a complete sentence that has contextual meaning beyond the self-consciousness of the speaker.

when it comes down to it, less self-consciousness = better conversations. will you join me in this mending challenge? as a bonus, how about assuming that each person you talk to understands and follows you and thinks you're a valid human being with interesting things to say? try out this mindset for a couple days and see how it feels. oh, and if you're already thinking this about yourself - you're a rock star! keep up the good work!

Friday, 27 January 2012

jan 27, 2012

today, i got a delightful present from my love n., who's visiting me from toronto this weekend. (yay loverpants visits!!)

on thursday morning, he was in the wood shop at the art school he goes to, and he made me this awesome heart out of scrap wood. he brought it with him and gave it to me tonight. it's got all these mistakes and rough patches and is generally a pretty awesome metaphor for how i've been feeling about the whole situation with my ex.

i like the idea of making loveliness out of leftovers. a more poetical version of lemons to lemonade, maybe? but there's more to it than that. it's about taking the time to find beauty in a trash pile - not giving up on leftover or imperfect things. adapting to what you've got and making something of it.

i really like this imperfect heart that he gave me. i hope you all get a chance to know the beauty of your imperfect heart. make something worthwhile from scraps. don't ever give up. ♥

Thursday, 26 January 2012

jan 26, 2012

tonight, to ease back into daily mending, i'm going to do a simple job. two of the buttons on my favourite red three-quarter-length sweater have gotten loose because it is very much a favoured garment these days.

i'm just going to tighten up the buttons and then go to sleepy-bye.

sending you all much love from the coziness of my red, red sweater! (which has been thoroughly furred by my friend cohen "the cat" moffatt!)

jan 25, 2012

where have you been, you ask?

wellll....i fell off the wagon on the 25th.

sorry to all of you who have been following the blog and didn't get your daily pay-off. 'tis a blog sin, that is!

(i know, kanye...i'm sorry. i missed you, too.)

and you, too, fabulous creature in the tiara.

truthfully, i was in a foul mood that day and couldn't imagine wanting to mend. or think about mending. or making peace. or building bridges. or anything along those lines, really.

i suppose it happens to the best of us? (this is where you give me an out about how i'm back now and not to worry about it, right? :P) anyway, i'm rolling again, so you can look forward to many more daily posts all year long.

here's to the return of consistency!

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

jan 24, 2012

i took advantage of the lull in the cold weather tonight to mend one of my coziest shirts. i've had it for years. it's made of this long-john type material, and i always wear it when i ski, skate, go sledding or otherwise do wintery things - mending it feels like getting ready for intrepid outdoor adventures! snowball fight, anyone? :)

Monday, 23 January 2012

jan 23, 2012

i was in the the mood tonight to do some jagged stitching. i used contrasting thread to mend a pair of pants that dear miller the dog tore into when he was at home alone and nervous about it. i miss him so much.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

jan 22, 2012

oh, hand-sewing. i love it. today was another mending for others project. this lovely cranberry red sweater had a hole in the seam of the right arm and another one near the armpit on the left side.

the last few times i've sewn something up, i've been using contrasting thread. i like the idea of visible stitches - mending you can see. there's no need to hold up the illusion that the clothes are new and don't require any upkeep. no need for the stitch to blend. looking at this picture, i find the contrast and visibility of the stitches beautiful. we all need a little mending sometimes - why hide it when it comes to clothes? to me, it's like scar tissue. it marks the life of a thing. it's the difference between fixing and mending.

ps: i'm excited that my hand stitching is getting better - look at that near-perfect line!

jan 21, 2012

this is my belated post from yesterday - half-written last night and half-written tonight!

i've been trying to figure out all day what to write about for this post, and it was in the shower tonight that i had an aha moment. like so many of us who lost things that were important to us last year, 2011 kicked my ass in terms of my confidence. i'm normally a pretty flirty femme, but one of the things that i've noticed of late is that i'm feeling spooked by my desire. in the moment, i sense it's happening, but i try to suppress it quickly and hope the other person doesn't notice. i guess it's about fear? about it feeling too vulnerable? not wanting to look like a fool?

anyway, one of the main points of doing this blog is to mend things, resolve things and grow. so i want to challenge this. yesterday and today, i've been working to express more desire. to feel it and accept it and act on it if the space is there to do that. if i notice a beautiful creature, i look at them and smile - feel the desire and let it be seen. be open enough for possibility to do its thing. i have a feeling this one is going to open me up in a way i really want and also be a hell of a lot of fun.

as inspiration, i've posted a pic of annie sprinkle from one of her recent projects with her partner in art and life, beth stephens. annie is one of my personal heroes because of her incredible openness and sex positivity. she does exactly what she wants and has reached a level of integration with sexuality that i think is really dreamy and wonderful. here's hoping i get there, too! wish me luck! :)

Saturday, 21 January 2012

jan 20, 2012

at long last, i did the final stage of mending on my winter coat tonight. there's nothing cozier in winter than sitting on a comfy couch with a friend and sewing for a solid couple of hours. letting the conversation meander. i said to my friend f: "all of my stitches are finally out. for the rest of the year, there's only going to be this kind of stitching. stitches in fabric. stitches to hold together friendships. "no drama, no trauma" as my friend s would say.

we talked about a lot of things as i sewed. we talked about the accident last year, about the dislocation he felt about moving countries as a child, about queerness and gender and adoption and the difference between fixing and mending. ("mending," said f. "never fixing. nothing can be fixed.") stitching stitching stitching as we talked. the quiet and clarity it brings to the mind is incredible.

Friday, 20 January 2012

jan 19, 2012

a few days back, i got this message from an email list i'm on. it was talking about the typical "out with the old, in with the new" stuff that i'm used to seeing each january. but this message had a really sweet question attached to it: given the chance to reconnect with an old friend you cherish but have lost touch with, who would you choose?

i thought, wow, that is a seriously hard question to answer. since then, i've been trying to notice anecdotes about back in the day and who i'm reminiscing about the most. it turns out, the person i'd most like to connect with is my old friend a.c. she's moved out to the west coast a couple times in the last several years and gotten involved with a community that's pretty all-absorbing, so it's been tricky to keep up with all the changes and stay connected. but when i thought about how much we used to laugh and how fierce we were together, i knew that the answer was definitely her.

a.c. is one of the most hilarious people i've ever met. she has this way of making everyone around her laugh with totally over-the-top jokes. though she's just as good at dead-pan. i had the best time remembering back to a road trip we took with three other friends about 10 or 12 years ago (was anyone else at that axe tampax conference in virginia, circa 2000? i think it was at james something university?). anyway, on said virginia trip, she thought it would be hilarious to tape record everything we did, anthropology-style - including interviews with the grass and the sidewalks during rest stops. "ah, i see...you're the strong, silent type. interesting...interesting." at one point, she got everyone in the car to go topless while we were driving down the highway and when people got weird about it, she'd act like it was in the other drivers' heads. god, i love that girl. she always was just *so* her. i'm laughing again. so many stories i could tell.

so, yes, that's my answer to that wonderful question. now it's your turn.

who would you reconnect with?

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

jan 18, 2012

hello world. today i'm mending one of my favourite shirts before going out to a documentary screening. i got this shirt in brighton last summer during a romantical lovecation.

one of the buttons popped just a few days after i bought it, and i've had it on my "to mend" list ever since. having all the big, beautiful buttons back on makes me super-happy.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

jan 17, 2012

 today, i'm starting a new segment to this blog - mending for others! i added a cute little mismatched button to the lovely lili kondo's summer tee where a snap had broken off and left things looking sorta awkward. if you have mending that you'd like me to do - just drop me a line by responding to this post!

(self-portraits by lili kondo)

jan 16, 2012

today, i got a letter from a long-lost. (an email, actually - but what can i say? i love alliteration.) it was one of those situations where, inexplicably, weirdness started to take over our relationship. our until-then strong and fun connection either fizzled or went dormant - i still don't know which. we tried to talk it out and reconnect last year, but i was too exhausted from all the crap that was going on to do the repair work. and, truth be told, i still had a lot of lingering hurt from what had happened. if i had tried harder maybe we would have just relaxed into each other and opened up. hard to say. anyway, i was touched by the fact that she reached out and somehow knew that my ongoing distance had a lot to do with how mired in crap i was at the time. in honour of both of our intentions to mend the rift, i'm going to mend a scarf that she gave me that last time we saw each other. it's been nice that, through all this distance, i can wrap it around me and feel the warmth.

Sunday, 15 January 2012

jan 15, 2012

tonight! a teaching that, in my opinion, is all about mending. i was reminded of it when i went to my yoga centre tonight - first time in ages, and it felt awesome to be there. i'm going to say this sutra out loud before bed tonight, and i invite you to do the same :)

the metta sutra
(a buddhist teaching on loving kindness)

may i be freed from greed, hate and delusion.
may i be full of self-sacrifice, love and understanding.
i charge my heart, which is now temporarily pure, with thoughts of loving kindness.
i charge every cell of my being with thoughts of loving kindness.
i build a healthy, happy aura of loving kindness around me that no wicked thought or evil intention can penetrate.
now i am protected.

i now send forth thoughts of loving kindness to all beings and creatures:
to everything animate and inanimate,
to everything that has taken rise in consciousness,
and to everything still in its causal state.

i send forth these thoughts around me,
around my dwelling,
around my district,
around the continent,
around the world.

loving kindness to all.

loving kindness to all.
around the universe, loving kindness to all.
around the cosmos, loving kindness to all.
loving kindness to all who dwell above,
and loving kindness to those who dwell below.

may all beings and creatures,
and everything animate and inanimate,
and everything that has reached consciousness
and everything still in its causal state:
may all be happily-minded.
may none hurt each other in anger or in ill will.
may their minds be wholesome.
may all have sufficient for their needs.
may all be fortunate enough to encounter the dharma.

humbly, i accept the loving thoughts of everyone in return, none excluded,
and now i share the benefit of this meditation with everyone.

Saturday, 14 January 2012

jan 14, 2012

sometimes, my cats fight with each other. they go through these phases where they hiss and bat at each other and glare and keep a distrustful distance. i suppose it's inevitable, this pushing back against the intimacy of their home life - they've never been apart in 10 years. well, except for that one time when cohen ran away for a few days to find herself a fine alleycat lover. (but that's a different story.) the point of this story is that they always, always find a way back to each other again. recently, they've been in a spat, but today they started the slow process of being spooning buddies again. cohen may have her back to cara in this picture, but do you see how her one ear is perked up? that's her listening for cuddling opportunities.

jan 13, 2012

i don't have a lot of experience with darning, but i have this sweater with what's getting to be a major hole in one arm.

the sweater is made of a delicate wool, so it's a bit of an experiment.

ooooh! looks like i'm a natural-born darner! can you even see the mend? it's like the slightest bit of scar tissue on the sweater! *happy dance*

Thursday, 12 January 2012

jan 12, 2012

when i moved out of my ex's house last week, i had to make some decisions about what to take and what to leave. the bathroom, especially, was a treasure trove of crap that i happily culled.

one of the things i almost threw out - and then decided against - was a big heart-shaped cake of soap that my sister brought back from the south of france after taking a perfuming course there. it was scented with fresh jasmine flowers, and i loved how over-the-top it was. i mean, it was huge! and heart-shaped! awesome, right?!

i used the soap-heart during a particularly awful roommate experience last year and, despite the soap's awesomeness, i thought, "it's half-used and sorta beaten up. i might as well just toss it." so i went ahead and did that. but when i saw it sitting there on top of all the junk - all the balled up tape and crap from sweeping up my room - it was sort of...well...heart-breaking. i couldn't leave it there. symbolically, i couldn't abide it.

interestingly, when i unpacked the soap-heart a couple days back, it was split clean in two. whoa. i'm not sure exactly how to mend soap, but i'm going to try tonight. (photos by the delightful lili kondo!)

heart parts.

i decided to soak and soften the halves - all the better for smooshing! i looked at the soap soaking in the water, and i remembered an article in ascent magazine that featured my friend eoin finn. in it, he said, “water is a metaphor for love. where there’s no rain, everything becomes thorny and protective, but where there’s water, everything is lush and open and giving." 

 a little massage to make the surface nice and goopy before the heart surgery begins.

putting the heart back together.

joining the seams.

smoothing the seams.

ta da! one mended heart.

let there be love.

jan 11, 2012

this little mending kit is becoming a familiar sight. i'm getting so many little tasks done that have been on my mending to do list since what seems like forever.

tonight, i reattached the decorative epaulette buttons on a hoodie that i inherited last spring. it's a favourite of mine for a few reasons:

(a) i really, really like it. (deep, i know) it's soft and warm and bright blue, and it goes all the way over my hips in this really cozy way.

(b) it came from a community clothing swap via my awesome partner in crime, nathan. after my bike accident, i went right from the hospital to his house without even going back to my place, so i hardly had any clothes with me. this electric blue hoodie and my powder blue hospital pants were pretty much my all-star fashion uniform for the first few weeks of my recovery. and, actually, i have pretty fond memories of that time. visitors and healing milestones and food deliveries and all the loveliness of being in the community hub that is ms. shelley taylor's house (nathan's roomie at the time). the sweater kept me warm, literally and figuratively. it reminded me that you can get what you need from community - all you need to do is ask.

(c) i like the idea that this sweater had a life before me...and that clothing in general has a life before you. i know that some people think you take the chance of inheriting bad luck from the previous wearer, but you have just as much chance of inheriting warmth and love, right? do any of the ottawa peeps reading this blog know whose hoodie this was before me?

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

jan 10, 2012

today, i went to the home studio of a textile artist named carl stewart to talk to him about a project that he's launching at the end of this week. it's called "belated", and it's made up of two bodies of work about his younger brother owen, who was hit by a car at the age of 3 and died in front of him.

one part of the work is called memoria - a series of cross-stitch portraits based on the only picture his family still has of owen. we talked at length about the gradual creation of the portraits by way of thousands of tiny stitches - 1296 stitches per square inch, to be exact. "it's like mending," he said. "it's very much like mending." i smiled.

carl holds the fabric in his hands and makes stitch after stitch after stitch, which gradually creates an image. it's the patient work of putting something back together after a long time; recreating his brother's face from the only picture he has. to me, it felt like a remembrance ritual as well as an examination of memory itself. it's a slow process for carl, each portrait taking up to two months to complete. together, the series of 11 portraits tells a story. it starts with a very high-contrast image of his brother - midnight blue thread on white fabric (see picture). as the series of portraits progresses, the colour gradually lightens in tone, with the last portrait being white-on-white. invisible. a portrait of owen, whose face is there and gone at the same time.

in describing the work, carl talks about the loss of possibility. i imagine this could include the loss of his brother's life, the loss of the fraternal relationship, his mother and father's loss, the loss of myriad potential experiences for owen and the loss of the overall potential of his life - all the things that the world never got to experience because of owen's early death.

all of this made me think of my relationship with my sister, which is fraught with a lot of confused emotion. like the stewart family, we never quite recovered from early childhood events in our family life. in our case, it was the effects of my sexual abuse. when people talk about sexual abuse, we often think only of the victim and the perpetrator, but the effects tend to ripple outward in unexpected ways for the whole family. it's like a weird, quiet cancer that takes over. my sister, for example, was jealous that i was considered beautiful enough for someone to want to abuse me, and she resented the "attention" i received. she resented being (comparatively) ignored. for her, it seems to be about wrestling for focus and air time.

it's been a while since these emotional patterns have driven our relationship - probably since our early twenties - but, just before christmas this year, my sister wrote me a letter that showed me she still hadn't moved past this notion that i'm the lucky one, the good one, the spoiled one, the princess, the favourite. she thinks i get whatever i want and believes that i expect the family to walk on eggshells around me and dote on me. still, these undertones of the past. it's strange to say, but i think i've been able to let go of more of the experience than she has. she can't seem to accept that i had nothing to do with the abuse. there's something she can't handle about not being chosen; at the same time, she feels incredibly guilty for not protecting me. in her letter, my sister asked me not to come to christmas because my presence (my experience?) makes everyone so uncomfortable. i disagreed with her read of the situation, but i obliged. i obliged with a lot of sadness in my heart.

so, today, looking at two dozen portraits of this beautiful, innocent child stirred up a lot of emotion. owen was three years old - like i was when the abuse started. sexual abuse is a kind of death in itself. it leaves a ghastly mess behind...a sort of non-childhood to live in a child's body. too much knowledge and not enough wisdom. this may be insensitive to say, given the subject matter of my post tonight, but i've often wondered if it would have been easier for my family if i had died rather than having to deal with all this ongoing crap that the abuse created. the competitive suffering, the yearning to reverse the past, all the regrets and guilt and shame...and the worst part of all: my family having to look at me and think about what happened every time they see me. to think about what he did and what they didn't do and how they failed me. it takes so much more to mend hurts that involve living, breathing people. like carl taught me today, sometimes it can take thousands of stitches to put together a clear picture.

Monday, 9 January 2012

jan 9, 2012

today's mending activity is all about surrounding myself with purring cats. did you know that a cat's purr can actually help to mend broken bones? the optimal frequency for bone growth and the healing of fractures is 50 hertz, and most feline purrs fall within 25-50 hertz. if the frequency is higher, around 120 hertz, it can heal tendons and other soft tissues. the cool thing is that the cat doesn't even need to be laying on you - just having a cat in the room helps you to heal. sounds waves are cool like that.

i remember in the weeks after my accident last year, both my cats kept trying to perch on my injured knee and purr me back to health - they were really adamant about it - so maybe they actually know about their healing superpower?

luckily, my two like to lay on my chest in a sort of yin-yang formation and purr their hearts out. i like to think that it's mending mine.

jan 8, 2012

today, i had a conversation with a friend about the difficulty of making peace. we sat in a coffee shop with kids playing on the floor around us, and the light pouring in through the windows. everything was melting and dripping and bright. it was warm for a winter day in canadia, and we were surrounded by this vibrant energy as we talked about losing people who were important to us. it was a striking contrast to sit in that bright warmth and talk about loss and endings. it felt like exuberance duking it out with stagnation. life vs death. a bit surreal.

the difference in our two situations is that my friend wants to resolve things and has made overtures to that effect, and i don't. or at least i don't think i can. it's my instinct to stay as far away from the person as possible for as long as possible. in my situation, an ongoing peace between us seems unlikely with all the accumulated baggage. my gut says hold that line, keep that distance. and yet...it's always a little more complicated than singular instinct, isn't it?

obviously, i've been thinking a lot about mending lately, and it occurred to me today that sometimes the most mendful thing to do in a conflict is to let go completely; to stop expecting and interacting and let your illusions and upsets settle like silt. feelings can run their course more quickly that way and, through a process of letting everything shift and rot and fall away and recombine, the experience has the room to become something else. peace? calm? forgiveness? understanding? maybe. ideally. i guess what i'm wondering is whether making peace is always a thing you do with others. maybe you can build it in the space that's created by no longer engaging.

Saturday, 7 January 2012

lucky penny

psst! guess what? i found a lucky penny from 2011 - i just had to laugh. it's so shiny and happy-looking. kinda made me wonder if luck works retroactively?

jan 7, 2012

more coat-mending - stage two of three! tonight, i'm re-attaching the row of buttons that keeps my coat fastened. almost all of them have grown loose from the quick on-and-off of my coat every day. i figure it's worth it to invest some effort in the thing that's keeping me warm and happy through the frigid, snowy days of ottawa winteryness, right?

it's an interesting process, this securing of things with my own two hands. it would be a stretch to call it empowering, but it reminds me of how much i can do for myself with really simple tools and a bit of focus. i'm pretty famous for over-planning and making things more complicated than they need to be, so just sitting down with a needle and thread is grounding.

ps: these totally over-the-top hot pink pyjamas with black hearts inspired the '80s neon confetti theme in this pic (by lili kondo).

Friday, 6 January 2012

jan 6, 2012

me and magic glitter cat mending my coat buttons, as seen by lili kondo. (you could say she's the official photographer of the mending year project)

jan 5, 2012

wow, i missed posting on here last night because i fell asleep at 7pm! was that ever a much-needed rest!! this is what i was working on before slumber-time...

recently, i've been sifting through my vocabulary. similar to a pair of jeans that develops holes from consistent wear, there are words that wear on us, culturally speaking, and they need to either be mended or thrown out. today, i'm mending my relationship to the word just, and i invite you to join me!

i often misuse the word, as in: "i just wanted to tell you..." or "i just wrote to ask...". using just in this way is diminishing and, frankly, unnecessary. both those sentences would work just fine without (*grin*), and its removal takes the worried, flakey tone out of the equation. as of now, i'm pledging to only use just in accordance with its two other (very functional and appropriate!) definitions: 1) to refer to justice, as in: "we're hoping for a just outcome." 2) to refer to proximity in time, as in: "i just finished my dinner."

anyone out there want to join in on the challenge? oh, and i invite you to call me on using the diminishing version of just in my posts if it sneaks in unnoticed by me! deal? deal!

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

jan 4, 2012

a really simple post tonight - just this picture of me tending the scar on my knee after a long day of moving my stuff. this scar is kind of amazing, you know? it marks an experience from the dreaded 2011 (in my case, a bike accident), but it also responds to the present. when i get lots of sleep and eat well, it sits flush against my skin in a happy shade of pink. on the other hand, if i'm doing lots of running around and generally being a hummingbird, it swells and turns into an angry purple worm. and it stays that way until i give my body the rest it needs. really interesting...feels like some sort of built-in barometer. and maybe also a reminder that mending is not a linear thing?

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

jan 3, 2012

today was all about putting a new life together for myself. taking the steps, making it happen. over the last week or so, i made the heart-wrenching decision to cut my ex out of my life. too much crap there...too many unresolved hurts, and she kept ripping off the bandaid. besides, sometimes it's a better idea to find comfort in a person other than the one who caused you heartache...or the one you share that story with, or however you want to put it. so, today, TODAY was all about making concrete changes to reflect the end of what we shared - splitting our shared cell phone account, for one - and also packing up my stuff so i can move it from her place into a storage locker - in glorious anticipation of my new place! which will be mine and mine alone. after two years of navigating two serious and sometimes difficult relationships, i guess i just need some nights that involve only kittens and bubble baths and good books. no drama, no hard conversations, no fighting, no noise. in fact, no other people at all. ahhhh, i can't wait.

there were a few hard moments today, as i packed (some tears, some memories, some anger), but there were lovely moments, too. the sun on my face as i walked from place to place doing my errands, saying goodbye to things as i sorted and feeling a weight lift - that sort of thing. when i got to the storage place to sign the paperwork for my locker (let's call it my "pre-apartment"?), the guy was so incredibly kind. he was courteous and helpful and even offered me a discount. when i said, "hey, by the way, i found these keys outside - do you know who they might belong to? he reached out with a smile and said, "i believe they're mine! for that, i'll give you a free lock." it was a little moment, but it was a sweet one.

i think i'm going to like this new life of mine. yep, i think i will :)

Monday, 2 January 2012

jan 2, 2012

for me, part of this project is mending friendships that have suffered conflicts or disagreements in the past year. this is friend mend attempt #1...

hey a,

i really miss you. i know there are some weird/bad feelings left over from the project, and i'd like to talk it over one day soon. i just wanted to let you know that i love you, and i'd really like to reconnect.


Sunday, 1 January 2012

on the mend