Wednesday 8 February 2012

feb 8, 2012

there's this beautiful part about having a broken heart that people don't talk about much - how deeply you feel everything. i'm feeling the events of my life in technicolour these days, at a depth i rarely experience. the gratitude i feel about the beauty of fluffy, glistening snowflakes under streetlights is as deeply felt as the grief at having lost so much last year.

everything is so big and round and full. it's intense and gorgeous, and i'm feeling grateful for this intensity of feeling. i mean, sometimes it spills over in moments when i want to be able to hold it together, but that only makes me more human. i'm willing to be more human. my friend s.z. has this tattoo of an anatomical heart on his forearm to remind him to wear his heart on his sleeve, and i think he's onto something with that. it's a rare circumstance, in my life at least, where there isn't some kind of compassion that arises from witnessing another person's emotion. in these moments, we realize there are dimensions in a person's life that we're not aware of and might not understand. that there's a complexity of circumstance that is informing each moment. it helps us to be more holistic and kind.

so, tonight, i'm mending my relationship with emotion. in fact, i'm going a step further and celebrating the bigness of feeling that's rolling through my heart like a prairie storm these days. bring on the joy, bring on the tears, bring on whatever is real. i want to feel it. sometimes, it means a flash flood and sometimes a hurricane, but sometimes it brings calm, open spaces and dazzling light. i want it all.

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