Wednesday, 23 May 2012

may 20, 2012

today was all about keeping things loose. there's a mindstate i reach when i don't grasp too tightly to plans or expectations or judgments. it feels really damn good.

i suppose it could be read as cool distance or dispassion or something, but that's not what it is. it's a kind of listening and noticing that i forgot i knew how to do. a cool side effect of keeping a loose hold on things is that my intuition - that gut-level sensing - is coming back to life as something i can call on and draw from and trust. so very very cool.

i had a performance in montreal tonight, and my lover, j, kept asking me - "so, have you chosen what you're going to perform? do you know what you're doing yet?" i kept saying a light-hearted no and laughing about it. i was waiting for things to call on me rather than choosing them in a more arbitrary way. that's better than deciding at a surface level. and it totally happened. all of a sudden, i knew what to perform: what i would feel connected to and what the audience might best respond to. it changed once more at the event itself. in a moment of quiet, i realized that one of the pieces didn't need to be performed and something else did. so i switched it out without any rehearsal at all.

i'm not sure where that ballsy trust came from, but i knew it would be just fine. i didn't need to look anything up or rehearse or double-check or doubt. i could feel that it was there. and it was. it worked out fine. how's that for mending self-trust? standing willingly on that beautiful precipice of risk. god, i've missed it.

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