march 31, 2012

today was the one-year anniversary of my bike accident.

these were the jeans i was wearing when it happened. i was able to get the blood out eventually, but the holes remained.

before the accident, these were my favourite jeans. i wore them practically every day for about a year. i remember, when i was in the treatment room of the e.r. getting stitched up and glued together and having all kinds of painful, undignified things done, my friend lili called out from the hall: "were they able to save the jeans??" *laugh* she's always known how to make me laugh in the weirdest moments.

i'm going to mend these jeans for my mending post tonight. exactly a year later, these jeans have made it through, and so have i. i've worn them on my old body, and i'll wear them on my new one. there's something about patching them up that feels like making peace with what's happened. or at least bridging the two realities.

most holes can be patched, i think. mended, if not fixed. it just takes a while to gather what you need - including the love and tenacity to put one foot in front of the other until you've found a way to face things and do the work.


there's been lots of emotion leading up to today - even more than you'd think because of all the pain i've been going through lately. i've been taking good care of myself, though, and trying to be patient with the pain and my limitations.

then, today, there was this sudden shift. i woke up feeling rested, and i had no pain. i wasn't even limping. after walking around the house for a few hours without problems, i started to believe i might actually have a whole day with no exhausting pain! i'm sure you can imagine how giddy-making it would be to step up onto a stair, shifting your full weight onto your injured side expecting pain, and nothing happens! over and over! nothing!!! whee! :)

i went for a walk in the beautiful sunshine without a cane, and no problems there either! it was amazing. what a gift - especially on this day, which feels like a big milestone. thank you thank you body for this relief. even if the pain comes around again a million more times, i'm still grateful for this sunny day full of relief and relaxation and joy.


i've been trying to figure out why i stayed up so late tonight. all night, really. it's like i'm holding vigil. last year, it was around this time of the morning when i finally got home from the hospital. just before dawn and getting light out. i really needed to sleep that night, but i couldn't stop thinking about life and death and chance. how fickle and changeable it all is and how little we actually control. i figure you might as well ride the kind of ride you want while you're here, don't you think?