i didn't sleep at all wednesday night. for some reason, all kinds of thinking and feeling was flooding through me. i finally gave up on the idea of sleep when, at 6:30am, i still hadn't had a minute of rest. i wasn't coherent enough to work on anything, so i fiddled around on facebook, checked my email and looked through old pictures. there's this one picture from pride in ottawa a couple years ago of me and my ex and our dog. i guess now her dog? he was her dog, then our dog and now he's back to being her dog. she's living with him and taking care of him now, so i guess i have to get used to the idea that he's hers alone. anyway, that picture made me want to look at other pictures of the dog and, soon, i was totally mooning over him and teary.
then i got a call. it was the vet, telling me that the dog had run away that morning and was injured and waiting at a nearby neighbour's house. i was so shocked and delirious and confused...there was a part of my brain that wondered if he had felt me thinking about him and despairing about the distance and that made him want to run away that day. but i think that was the sleeplessness talking. anyway, the vet had tried to call my ex, but she wasn't answering her phone. they said he was bleeding and hurt, so i wanted to get to him as quickly as possible. i ran through options in my mind and knew none of them would work. luckily, while i was trying to sort something out, my ex had returned the vet's call and told them she was on her way to pick up the dog. thank god.
i cabbed over to the vet from the place where i was housesitting and waited for the two of them to arrive. i second-guessed my decision to just show up without warning, but i decided that the dog was more important than whatever petty human concerns were going on around him. while she and i were waiting for him to get care, i got to visit with him - that sweet boy. i've been thinking about him every day and missing him like crazy. when i got the call, i was so worried about him. i'm so glad he's alright.
all this business with the dog was reminding me of my grandmother on my dad's side. that side of the family is some kinda fucked up, and i had distanced myself from all of them several years before her death. i loved my grandma though. she was a rebellious, fun, funny charmer who knew her mind. i loved her something fierce, but i knew that i couldn't have a relationship with her *and* cut them out. i had to choose. they were toxic enough that it felt like a worthwhile sacrifice - until she died unexpectedly quickly, and i didn't get a chance to say goodbye. that broke my heart.
let me be clear: i have absolutely no desire to have my ex in my life in any way. i would be happiest if she were very far away for the rest of time. but my absolute distance from her is an absolute distance from the dog. i went down that absolutist road before with my grandma, and it caused me a lot of pain and shame and regret. that's something i can't change or take back, but i can make a better decision about this time. i miss the dog terribly. i talk about him almost every day - ask anyone. i tell stories and moon over cute pictures and mourn losing him and tell more stories. it was hard to hear how much he's been missing me, too.
i decided that i was going to bridge the distance and start taking care of him during the day on weekdays so he's not home alone so much. he's such a social dog, and we love each other. we bonded hardcore while i was with my ex. the truth is he needs me, and i need him. and i think that's a good enough reason not to be so absolute. i don't want to let the bad relationships cut out the good ones, by association. not anymore. i guess you could say i learned that lesson the hard way.
man, was it ever nice to look into his eyes and pet him and whisper sweet things to him and have him swivel his ears in that cute way in response. at one point, i was petting his back, and he tipped over and showed me his belly. a peace offering, maybe? his eyes still looked hurt or guarded or something, but he was still willing to receive love. dogs are so much better at this stuff than we are. i feel like we have a lot to learn from them about loyalty and unconditional love. after all, unconditional love means no matter what. i do love him no matter what, but i haven't been so good at showing him and acting on it.
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